A child’s — or grownup’s — wants usually follow a particular path through time that I call an ‘arc of desire.’ Figuring out what a child wants requires understanding that whole arc.

We base our actions toward children on ideas about their nature and needs and it is important to examine the notion of “optimal frustration,” which means not always giving a child what they want to make them more independent.

Our siblings are usually the people we know longest in this life, but it’s striking how many people have distant, even hostile relations with their brothers and sisters. Family tensions related to sibling rivalries wear on parents individually, and sometimes can challenge their marriage – so it’s important to tackle them in steady, systematic ways.

This column describes the nature of adolescence and a teenager’s underlying positive wants and needs.

How to respond when the wants of parents and children differ is one of The Big Questions of parenting. Things usually go well when parents and kids want the same things — problems start when they don’t! Here are some ways to handle these difficult situations.