In this column we will explore how parents can solve problems, resolve conflicts and stay out of unnecessary fights with their teenagers. That is a large subject, so what follows is a brief summary of ideas that have worked with other families which you should adapt to your own unique situation and values.

A child’s — or grownup’s — wants usually follow a particular path through time that I call an ‘arc of desire.’ Figuring out what a child wants requires understanding that whole arc.

We base our actions toward children on ideas about their nature and needs and it is important to examine the notion of “optimal frustration,” which means not always giving a child what they want to make them more independent.

Our siblings are usually the people we know longest in this life, but it’s striking how many people have distant, even hostile relations with their brothers and sisters. Family tensions related to sibling rivalries wear on parents individually, and sometimes can challenge their marriage – so it’s important to tackle them in steady, systematic ways.