Before using these practical exercises, we recommend you read Dr. Hanson’s article From Shame to Self-Worth.
In the days and weeks ahead, we encourage you to keep moving from shame to worth.
As one simple way to do this, keep recognizing the factual existence of your good qualities and accomplishments.
Exercise 1: “What’s A Good Quality You Have?”
You may need to be a little creative to do this exercise on your own, or even better, with a friend. And please recall the perspectives on doing exercises at the very beginning of this article.
Here are the instructions for the exercise, which you can adapt freely:
“A’s ask B’s these questions, or some variation on them: What is a good quality you have? What is a good thing you have done?
In response to the question, B’s find a succinct answer. It’s OK if A’s need to ask something for clarification, but mainly A’s listen.
Then A looks inside and tells B genuinely: I see ___________ in you. Or: I believe _________ about you. A’s, only say what you sincerely think.
When A speaks, B’s focus on taking in the ordinary but vital experience of having a good quality or accomplishment seen by another person. A quick reminder, from earlier classes about the three steps of taking in the good: Let a good event (A seeing that about you) become felt as a good experience. Have that good experience be big and strong in your mind and body, and savor it and make it last. Get the sense of the good experience soaking into you, sinking into your body and mind, becoming a part of you.
Then A ask the question again – What is a good quality you have? Or: What is a good thing you have done? – and repeat the process.
After 5 minutes, I’ll ring the chimes and ask you to switch roles
OK, let’s begin.”
Exercise 2: “Letting Go of Shame”
If you like, you could move directly from the previous exercise into this one. Here are the instructions for the exercise, which you can adapt freely:
“Imagine that you are sitting beside a powerful river on a beautiful sunny day. You feel safe and contented and strong.
Imagine that sitting with you is a wise and supportive being. Perhaps someone you know personally, perhaps a historical figure, perhaps a guardian angel, etc. Know in your heart that this is a very wise and honest and caring being.
Imagine a small boat tied to the bank of the river, there near you. Imagine an empty and open box in the boat that you can reach easily.
Alright.
Now, continuing to be centered in feelings of worth and well-being, bring to mind lightly something you are ashamed of. Represent it, whatever it is, as a small object on the ground in front of you.
Imagine that the being is telling you, or that you are telling the being, some of the many causes and conditions that led to that thing you are ashamed of. You don’t need the whole story; often a few seconds in your imagination can summarize the heart of the matter.
With that summary of the causes of the shame, see if you can feel a letting go inside.
If you like, in your imagination, bow to the object representing the shame: it exists, it is what it is.
Then put the object in the box, and let it go as much as you can.
Now bring to mind, lightly, something else you are ashamed of. Represent it, whatever it is, as a small object on the ground in front of you.
I’ll be repeating the instructions, and feel free to go at your own pace, slowing down to dwell on certain parts, or speeding up to get through them to additional things you’d like to put in the boat.
[Repeat as many times as you like.]
Exercise 3: “The Presence of _______ in Me . . . ”
If you like, you could move directly from the previous exercise into this one, though you definitely need a partner for it. Here are the original instructions for the exercise from our script, which you can adapt freely:
“Find a partner, pick an A and a B, and A’s go first – after which you will go back and forth.
A’s, find a positive quality within yourself that you can sense is also present in B. Then say to B: The presence of _________ in me recognizes the presence of __________ in you.
Both A and B take a moment (often just a few seconds) to register this, and then it’s B’s turn to say something in the form of: The presence of _________ in me recognizes the presence of __________ in you.
Examples include:
• The presence of caring in me recognizes the presence of caring in you.
• The presence of happiness in me recognizes the presence of happiness in you.
• The presence of loving being in wilderness in me recognizes the presence of loving being in wilderness in you.
• The presence of being silly in me recognizes the presence of being silly in you.
• The presence of strength in me recognizes the presence of strength in you.
It’s OK to name good qualities in yourself or the other person without false modesty or fears of flattery. These are facts, not compliments. And it’s OK if these qualities are not present all the time; perhaps they are deep down, even covered over, and would be served by calling them out.
This exercise can be very powerful, and enjoy and let sink in the beautiful feelings it brings up.”