Most of us know, at least in principle, that it’s good to have healthy boundaries. The hard part is actually setting them — and then holding onto them when other people push back, get upset, or simply keep doing what they’ve always done.
In this talk, I explored some of what makes boundaries so difficult, including feeling overly responsible for other people, doubting our own perceptions, and getting pulled into trying to change things that really aren’t in our control.
Check it out for some wonderful stories that all point to a basic kind of freedom: knowing what’s yours to deal with, what belongs to someone else, and when it’s time to stop trying to grow roses in a parking lot.
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Talk: Why It’s So Hard to Set – and Keep – Healthy Boundaries
Time codes & main topics:
- 2:58 — Boundaries, Buddhism, and privilege: Why our ability to set and maintain boundaries is shaped partly by the power and privilege we’ve had—or haven’t had—in life.
- 9:43 — Do you feel entitled to have boundaries? How being deprivileged can lead us to internalize the feeling that we don’t deserve respect, reciprocity, or the right to hold a boundary.
- 12:12 — The Buddha’s Five Reflections: A Buddhist teaching that helps distinguish between what happens in our own lives and what ultimately belongs to other people.
- 15:13 — Letting go of over-responsibility: Why we can overestimate our power over other people’s feelings, especially when we learned as children to take care of the adults around us.
- 18:44 — “I see you, Mara”: The importance of recognizing manipulation, unfair exchanges, and unhealthy patterns clearly instead of getting pulled into them.
- 25:40 — “I do not receive it”: A Buddhist story about refusing to take in another person’s hostility, judgments, agendas, or distorted view of you.
- 31:07 — You don’t have to be the justice system: The story of the Buddha gorilla and the freedom that comes from recognizing that other people ultimately inherit the consequences of their own actions.
- 36:16 — Stop trying to grow roses in a parking lot: Knowing your own goodness, letting go of the need to prove yourself, and accepting when what you need simply isn’t going to come from a particular person or situation.
A Meditation: Resting in the Courage and Goodness Inside You
In this meditation, we’ll settle into the body, find a steadier ground beneath fear and anxiety, and get a felt sense of the courage, open-heartedness, and basic goodness that are already here inside you.
